You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
