We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
