I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
