If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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