Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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