What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
