he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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