I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
