capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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