C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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