who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
