sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
