I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
