Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
