how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
please come you make the beer taste better
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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