mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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