If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
