Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
