drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
