Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
