Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just pee around me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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