You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
