Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
