stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am naked and annoyed.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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