I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
