you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
