so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
