There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
