Apparently you make a good broom.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
They have beer where we have blood.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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