Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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