mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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