I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
