i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize