Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
