Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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