I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
