apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I puked a lego.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
