Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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