By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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