How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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