Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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