I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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