My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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