My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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