Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
