omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
