Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize