I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize