The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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