And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
