I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
