i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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