just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
