my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize